Sunday, January 30, 2005

How To Keep A Monkey Down

Percoset works wonders.

The Monkey got his wisdom teeth taken out on Friday. He thought he was going to have three taken out, but they only removed two.

He thought he was going to die. Or be paralyzed. Or drool for life.

Instead, he whined until I gave up and let him have the damn pills. I'm not too accommodating about these kinds of things, but the poor man was in pain...

It was kind of nice having him confined to bed for the weekend. No bitching, no crying, no complaining. Just a lot of thankfulness (who doesn't love Mac N Cheese?) and droopy eyelids from lovely oxycodone.

Too bad he only has thirty-something teeth left. I could get used to this.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Palsy-Fingered Fucks!

Some bastard at work decided to put the Kaibosh on anyone using the internet while on work time.

What does it matter if someone fools around bit online, especially if they get all their work done? Well, apparently it matters to someone...

I checked my email when I got in today (the one thing we are really NOT supposed to do) and then decided to delete the history, cookies, etc, blah, blah, blah. SOMEHOW, they managed to disable the "clear history" button. You can't delete the websites you've visited, even if you try.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

Of course, this turn of events threw me for an absolute loop. Do they really expect me to WORK all day? I just sat and stared at the computer, but it was just a shell of it's former self. Empty and dead inside. Worthless.

What good is a computer if you can't read someone's blog, or go shopping, or post messages in various and sundry forums? No good I tell you. No good at all.

I tried to rebel. I went and sat on the floor of a co-worker's cubicle. I carted around my former supervisor on a bright red dolly as she held on and shrieked about being dropped. I read the Good Housekeeping magazine that's been growing mold in a corner of my cubicle. But none of it filled my soul with joy. None of it.

I going to seriously have to consider getting a new job.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Snow Day Revisited

Remember that little blizzard I was whining about?

Our pretty little town ended up with over THIRTY inches of snow. Our boss was kind enough to give us the day off.

(Snnchhh! Like anyone was going to drive to work anyway.)

The Monkey and I sat around and contemplated our navels the whole day. It was snowing too hard to do anything else. The wind also blew at gusts up to 70+ miles an hour. Yes, folks. Hurricane force winds, driving snow and two monkeys hunched around a TV like our lives depended on it.

If The Monkey had his way, he would have started shoveling in the middle of those aforementioned winds (hey, his nickname isn't The Brain...). I convinced him to wait until the storm stopped by offering to join him in tackling the driveway later.

Monday, the snow stopped. When we woke up, I was pretty excited because I've never helped shovel before, and I'm a strong beast of a woman. We had our coffee; two strong cups, and headed outside.

The Monkey is too cheap to buy two shovels, so he gave me the snow shovel and he used a garden shovel (i.e. heavy and unwieldy). I had to start with the back yard. Yes, the back yard. You see, the snow was almost five feet in places and when the dog jumped off the deck all you could see was the tip of her tail. So naturally, she needed a path shoveled across the back yard to her poop spot.

Once that was done, I headed to our very long driveway to help The Monkey clear more five foot drifts.

THREE HOURS later we were finally done. And exhausted. And hot as hell. We headed inside to relax for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I was crippled from the neck to the groin. My arms and legs were okay (thanks to Cathe), but my back was so stiff and sore, I couldn't do more than turn my neck the whole day. Which put me in a fine, fine mood. (If you want further details, you can ask The Monkey what it feels like to walk around with fire ants attacking his wobbly bits...) I figured that I would never be the same. I figured I would never be able to exercise again.

I didn't figure on the forecast saying we're going to get another ten inches today.

Friday, January 21, 2005


I have been shrieking at The Monkey to take me away for the weekend. For many weeks now. Loudly. Frequently. He finally agreed.

He, very sweetly, spent a few hours looking up hotels in "our" city. He was trying to find a place that will allow dogs. So we can all be together. Gosh, I love that guy.

(Speaking of Gosh, I absolutely loved Napoleon Dynamite. The Monkey said he wasn't quite as impressed, but in the last couple of days, has been quoting from it as voraciously as I.)
He found a hotel in our favorite city and was almost convinced to come and get me from work today so we could head up for a longish weekend. Then came the blizzard warnings. And forecasts of -10 degree temperatures in said lovely city. Sorry, I don't think so.

The saddest part, is that besides the "getting away" part of the trip, the only reason I really want to go is for this Smokehouse Restaurant that has UNBELIEVABLE ribs and cornbread. (Even now, I drool as I type.) The thought of braving such weather, just to get ahold of some barbecue is a little much. Even for me. Well, this weekend anyway.

But just because of the blizzard.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

"The Definition of TMI" or "Why The Monkey Should Fire Me"

It's not disloyal to express the things that bother you the most. Right?

Right! So, with no further ado, I present the horrifying truth, as seen through soap-scum covered shower doors.

It's early. Real early. But I've been up exercising, so I wasn't so sleep-crusted and groggy-eyed that I don't know what really happened. I was in the shower and beginning to lather myself in bacon when The Monkey came in for his morning pee.

I really, really hate this. Entirelly because of the smell. Morning pee is so pungent, it makes me want to run screaming for fresh air. The shower stall and it's accompanying steam only make the smell worse and linger longer.

Heh heh. Linger Longer.

Anyway. I made an EWWWW sound and The Monkey asked what the problem was. I told him that it smelled bad.

"What smells bad?"


"You can smell that?"

"Honey, it's really gross."

"Well, I'm done. And I'm even going to wipe the pee off the floor."

And then he... wait. I need to switch to all caps.


Does anyone out there want a new husband?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Obsession Works!

My scale showed a two-pound loss this morning, which is further proof that doing everything to excess only makes your ass smaller.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Moderation, Please

As that TOM draws near, I begin to have more pseudo signs of pregnancy. Yep, I'm nauseous again, and my boobs hurt, and I think my nipples are getting darker (Heh, Heh! I knew you'd like that one!) This time, however, I'm trying to have a more realistic and calm approach to the whole business. Which means, no frantic daily testing or asking The Monkey every five minutes if my boobs look bigger.

"I already said no, dear."

If it isn't happening this month, that'd be alright with me. My obsessions have once again shifted back to diet and exercise. I somehow decided that I should take advantage of the long weekend to fit in three 90 minute workouts. (The government says you should, that's why.)

Saturday, I ate like a cow, but at 9:30pm, I pulled off an hour upperbody workout and a half hour of floor aerobics. Wow. Feels good. Think I'll do it again tomorrow.

Sunday, I ate like a pregnant cow and, burping up shredded pork and pickles, I pulled off 90 minutes of step.

Monday, I had intentions to continue this new and impressive trend, but during my step foray, I did something funny to my shin, which appears to have thrown off my calf. Damn! Better take a day off before I do permant damage. I substitued breakfast at Dunkin Donuts, then secondsies at Burger King, then left over shredded pork sub and three Skinny Cow ice-cream sandwiches for any real attempts at eating clean.

Today. Oh Today. I'm ready. I have three pounds of veggies in my cooler. I have two water bottles standing by. I boiled eggs and roasted chicken and washed apples. I portioned out yogurt and cottage cheese. I even got up at 5am to fit in an extra long (see the missed workout of yesterday) cardio and weights routine. My calf still wasn't entirely up to dancing around, so I substituted where needed and still got in a good 60 minutes.

Woah! Scary Supervisor just came around the corner and busted me. I think he only saw the post from the "pregnant cow" part down, and of coarse, when I tried to minimize it quickly, it froze up. Damn!

"What was that!?"

"Aschhh umm, nothing"(Commense extra long session of blowing air out between my teeth as my fact gets redder and redder.)

I don't think he really cares, but I HATE gettin' caught.

Friday, January 14, 2005


I met up with a friend of mine yesterday. She asked if I'd done anything interesting for dinner lately.

Huh? Let's see... We went to The Olive Garden, we might have ordered pizza, we had yet another dinner with boneless chicken breasts... Doesn't sound interesting to me. What the hell is she talking about?

Oh. Oh.

Dinner out with Lettia and Henry. Let the mockery begin.

How can you say no? When you work with someone and they CONSTANTLY want to go out with you, and you see them all the time- how do you say no? Especially when they say things like

"What time are you coming over on Saturday?"

"Saturday. Uh. I forgot about Saturday." (Yeah, like you ever said anything about Saturday!)

"Well, come on over at 6:00. "

Damn! Get ready for five hours of the same conversation we've already heard sixteen times. Conversation with LOUD TALKERS.

Henry is deaf but won't wear a hearing aid. Lettia yells so Henry can hear. Lettia is so used to yelling at Henry that she yells at everyone. All the time. Even at work. Loud. Annoying. Did I say all the time?

Well, word has gotten out. The Monkey and The Other Monkey have been over to Lettia and Henry's house for dinner! Ha Ha. Losers! Turns out, they invite everyone they can get their hands on. They try to suck them into their loud little world with no regard for the fact that some people like to spend time at home. Alone. In quiet.

Now we have to deal with public humiliation on top of dinner at Lettia's. Damn. Damn. Double Damn.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

At Least I Have Next Monday Off

There is a comfort being at work.

I spend a lot of time driving around the community, but I have to say that I really enjoy the time I spend sitting at my desk.

Some days I get more done than others. Some days I'm a veritable workhorse -- I don't stop from the moment I walk in the door. Other days, not so much.

Either way, I've come to enjoy our new workspace. I like hearing everything that's going on. I like the daily interoffice drama. I enjoy the routines. I like knowing the secrets of the office. It gives my day a certain texture and aroma. A comforting, warm smell that says I have a place in this world.

I try to keep this in mind during times of supreme aggravation. Like now.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Yet Another Reason I Hate The Monkey

I met a woman online.

Don't get too excited - we met on this website for video exercise freaks. She lives near me - which is a miracle because no one lives near me. We decided to meet for lunch.

The Monkey drilled me full of warnings and dire sayings. He wasn't assured that I wasn't going to meet Chester the Video Exercise Killer at the lunch place. I told him that I had initially contacted this lady, so it was doubtful that I was being stalked.

I was supposed to meet her the day of my big adventure. Our plans were postponed.

We met today instead. We had a lovely lunch. She told me her husband was also worried she was being stalked by Chester. It turns out that I know her indirectly and we know about 20 of the same people.

So, when lunch was over, I called The Monkey to tell him I was fine. He immediately started bitching at me. First about the checking account number. The reason he's clueless is because he never pays any of the bills - his or ours. Second about the dog. I asked him to get a 2005 license from the Town Hall on Friday. He decided to wait. Now he's all pissed off because he can't find the rabies cert and the neuter cert.

NOT ONE WORD about my almost-could-have-been death at the hands of Chester. He didn't ask, even after putting up such a shit fit about it earlier.


Friday, January 07, 2005

Yet Another Reason I Married The Monkey

Now, if you've been paying attention, you know what swimmers are.

If you saw The Monkey this morning, you might have been shocked by a free showing of what he referred to as

The Swimmer Injector

Aren't I the lucky one?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Hat Trick

Before I completely loose my entire audience - of myself- I will only say this is the last post of this nature. For now.

However, I feel compelled to state that someone in my office building brings a newspaper into the toilet stall each morning. In the women's room. And then sits there. Rustling the paper. Forever. Ewwwwww.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

More Thoughts on the Toilet

While I'm on the subject, I'd like to know...

Why are the days I wear a thong to work, the days I have to poop three times?


Sunday, The Travel Channel featured a story about toilets in Japan. Yes, internet, it appears I'm now officially obsessed with toilets and bathroom functions. It also appears that the Japanese are the world-wide leaders in toilet technology.

The Japanese have developed a toilet that is so advanced it will not only receive your gifts, but will wash and dry you in return. Not fancy enough? Okay, it will also raise and lower a pre-warmed seat, make a gurgling noise while you go (to detract from any real noises) and spray perfume in the air afterwards.

The Japanese have their priorities straight. I say that with absolutely no sarcasm. For some people, myself included, it's a major thing to use the bathroom while no one is there. Just to avoid the noise issue.

I wonder how much shipping from Japan costs?